• Fear of rejection
  • Fear of loss
  • Fear of someone taking what they believe is theirs
  • Fear of being out of control
  • Fear of trusting others
  • Fear of being unloved
  • Fear of betrayal
  • Fear of the unexpected
  • Fear of the unknown
  • Fear of change
  • Fear of not being good enough
  • Fear of being unwanted
  • Fear of being replaced by someone else
  • Fear of someone being better
  • Fear of someone else’s success
  • Fear of others luck
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of being seen as a failure
  • Fear of being outcast
  • Fear of being outside the circle
  • Fear of not being perfect

Emotional States

  • Long term place of honor has been lost to another person.  No longer were they prized by their parents, friends, boss, or extended family.  They have lost the adoration of their identity to another.  The love and acceptance that had been theirs has been taken.  A deep sense of injustice.
  • Harsh injustice brought them to a place of not wanting to understand or change.  They held on tightly to what was, which was followed by a deep depression – feelings of rejection and being unloved.
  • Welcomed by all they were then cast aside in favor of another that was new and had attributes that pleased those around them.
  • Control keeps them feeling loved and safe.  When the lack of control is threatened they panic and grab onto what has kept them safe.
  • Reduced exposure to others keeps them from feeling threatened and their position challenged.  If they isolate, put up walls around the object of love and acceptance, they protect and keep it from being taken. Wanting to keep others away from what belongs to them.  Holds someone/something out to be the source of their happiness.
  • They project a futurescape on their relationship(s) to keep their fear from happening.  This is a form of worrying to keep bad things from happening.  They fear the unknown and change.  The bad things are a very dangerous possibility in their mind.
  • Early in life compared to another to be acceptable and receive love.  
  • Epigenetic influence of the fear of failure based on their ancestry.  Tied to ancestral desires and ambition that drove the person to their grave.  Literally.  This unrequited ambition to be a success was all-encompassing and was the entire focus of their being.  This ambition was based on a fear that their condition in life would revert back to a form of indentured servitude/slavery.  
  • Early in life trauma of being derided for errors.  Their fear is greater than their integrity and moral compass.  The other person’s failure is their success.
  • Lost opportunities created a view that the world was out to get them (victim) and that they deserved to have better – the world was unfair to them.
  • Doesn’t know what else to do other than feel a sense of panic.  They have no control over past events in someone’s life.  The only thing they can do is work to destroy the past by making it seem less than.  They want/need to control the other person’s entirety.  They want their very life to be because of them.  Everything they are now and everything they have is because of them. The fact that there is a time before threatens their need to make them totally dependent.   The fact that there was a time before makes them more than their definition or creation.  If the focus of their control accomplishes something they will minimize the achievement or take credit for it. They are grossly insecure about their own identity.  They look to another to define them.  They define themselves by what they have given and what they have done in the relationship.  Anything outside of that is a threat to their security.  They feel unsafe and threatened.
  • There is a blurring of time.  The past is very much a part of their present.  They cannot differentiate the separation in their lives of before and after.  As a child and adult child, the past mistakes were thrown in their face as a reminder of their flaws and failures.  This created a lack of trust and openness in their relationships.  Attention was always being focused on their shortfalls.  That lack of trust feels like an attack.  They are on constant alert to keep from being blindsided by a possible reason to not trust someone.  They will manipulate information to create distrust.  Distrust is a place of safety.  The distrust is how they interpret loving relationships.  The lack of trust would look at a prior relationship and say “how do I compare”.  That thought creates more insecurity and more distrust.  In their mind, they have to be better.  They are comparing themselves to the phantom past — to a memory.
  • Love was withheld unless they excelled.
  • Fear of loss creates the need to be on alert for the potential experience of loss or rejection.  There is a need to be prepared for the unknown known.  This gives a feeling of control.  

Cross Index: Bi-Polar, ACOA, PTSD, Complex PTSD , Borderline Personality Disorder

Created Patterns

  1. I must be perfect to be loved.
  2. I must stop others from making progress.
  3. I must get my needs met before others.
  4. I must be like others to be accepted.
  5. I need to be the focus to feel wanted.
  6. When others fail I succeed.
  7. I must be better than others.
  8. I must not let others have more than me.
  9. I am not good enough.
  10. I am alone.
  11. My siblings get more love than me.
  12. My siblings get better stuff than me.
  13. My parents love my siblings more than me.
  14. I must put down others to be safe.
  15. Others don’t succeed unless I help them.
  16. I can’t let others be better than me and feel good.
  17. I must point out how others are wrong so they will appreciate me.
  18. I must point out how others are wrong so they will see I am better.
  19. I can’t let others succeed.  This will make me look bad.
  20. I must find the mistakes others make so I look good.
  21. People who have more than me are just lucky.
  22. I feel good when others fail.
  23. I must point out when people are going to fail.
  24. I must diminish others to feel good about myself.
  25. I must prove to my parents that I am better than my siblings.
  26. I must prove to my friends that they can’t do without me.
  27. I must prove I am better than my significant other’s ex-partners.
  28. I feel threatened by my significant other’s ex-partners.
  29. When my significant other with another I feel threatened.
  30. I must create a place for myself in the lives of others.
  31. I can’t trust others to not leave me.
  32. I give empty compliments to cover over my true feelings.
  33. I can’t trust others to not betray me.
  34. Even when people succeed I can see where they have made mistakes.
  35. I must leave people that have succeeded.
  36. I must prove I am better than others.
  37. I can’t share praise with others.
  38. I must protect myself at the expense of others.
  39. I must look important by telling stories about others.
  40. I can’t trust others to do the job right.
  41. People that love me leave me. 
  42. I must put others down to be better.
  43. I must prove my worth by finding mistakes.
  44. I can’t take advice, it makes me look stupid.
  45. People who think they are better don’t deserve me.
  46. I must point out the faults of others to be safe.
  47. Others are not really better, they just have luck.
  48. I must sabotage others to be safe.
  49. I hurt others to be safe.
  50. I am afraid of failing.
  51. I hurt others to prove I am better.
  52. My friends abandon me.
  53. My friends can’t have other friends.